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Shiny New Vessels

I've been thinking about relationships tonight. About loneliness and connection.  About having and losing.  About what happens when two people converge and create a couple.  A couple becomes a new vessel.  A two person vessel that can now travel to places that neither individual could go alone.  This new vessel is shiny and sure.  The tables and almanacs are consulted, lines are drawn and everyone agrees the destination is reachable.  

It certainly helps to believe you can reach a destination. But believing so doesn't make it so and having doubts doesn't have to lead to failure.  A vessel off course is not necessarily a vessel rudderless and adrift. I think we have a tendency to see things as either this or that. This tendency is different from seeing something as either this or not this.

From the Wikipedia:
In sociology and social psychology, the term "ambiguity" is used to indicate situations that involve uncertainty. An increasing amount of research is concentrating on how people react and respond to ambiguous situations. Much of this focuses on ambiguity tolerance. Ambiguity tolerance is the ability to perceive ambiguity in information and behavior in a neutral and open way.

Two people who share a similar level of ambiguity tolerance have a much better chance to reach their destination than two people who don't. I also believe that people with disparate levels of ambiguity tolerance can reach their destination by focusing on the contrasting levels of ambiguity tolerance rather than the conflict that the different levels produce. The challenge is learning to recognize what is really happening and having the willingness to navigate through the conflict.
When I think about the future, about my shiny new vessel, I don't think so much about the vessel itself, but about the excitement of a new destination. I want to go to somewhere wild with someone who is quintessentially an explorer.  The vessel is simply how we get there. To get anywhere really worth being, there's going to be some time spent drifting. There will be ambiguity and there will be doubt. I am sure about that.  

Size vs Intention

I realized that I cropped this picture  in order to make my vehicle seem larger. BTW, I would love to hear the discussion they had when deciding how to spell Oroweat. "No, no, no, if we keep the "h" it could be misleading.  Let's have it sound like "wheat" without actually having it be "wheat".  Well, there is nothing misleading about this picture. I have a small truck. There, I said it.  Why am I always so aware that my truck is undersized.  I must have spent thirty minutes at Whole Foods so I could park next to a small van that was delivering Italian flat bread.

Mile by mile, day to day, I 'm coming to accept the size of my truck.  I know what I have room for and what I don't need to carry around anymore.  I know I can't see behind it when I'm backing up.  Today I decided to park so I wouldn't have to back up. I was always going forward. Sometimes I had to go around the block to be where I needed to be.  I like living in a town that struggles to help all the farmers out during harvest time.

Bandits

Purity: when something is not mixed. Power: the ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something. We would all like to be more powerful and have an ability to make things happen.  Stress: Chronic stress is the response of the brain to unpleasant events for a prolonged period over which an individual perceives he or she has no control.

If we have power, we have control.  If we have control, we can minimize stress. If we minimize stress we can participate with the world in it's natural state. The natural state of the world is pure. Any conflicts in nature have a natural outcome. Only humans have the ability to impose unnatural outcomes on ourselves . Only human endeavors change our experience of the world from a world that is pure to a world that is impure. Conflict: A conflict is an opposition of people, forces, or other entities. Our thoughts change the world from it's pure form to an impure state we are comfortable and familiar with. It seems our minds require conflict and impurity to operate in their natural state.  Otherwise, why would we have so much conflict and stress in our lives?  The world does not impose it's impurity on us, we impose our impurity on the world.

Bandits by Midlake  click to download

Did you ever want to be overrun by bandits;
to hand over all of your things and start over new?
while we were out hunting for food
our house was being robbed
I caught an apple and she caught a fox
so I caught a rabbit but she caught an ox

so upon our return, we found everything gone
which for us was no loss
and we started over
with a rabbit and an ox

so they came down from the north
carrying all they owned
with a basket full of food and clothes
they were stopped by a weekend raid
traveling the woods one day
they tried to put up a fight, but lost
so we asked for them to stay
with us on their way
to have a drink and rest
and regain their strength

did you ever want to run around with bandits;
to see many places and hide in ditches?
it's not always easy, it's not always easy
when the winter comes and the greenery goes
we will make some shelter
when the winter comes and the greenery goes
we will make some shelter

Empathy Is What Matters

You may recall that I volunteer at the Ballard Food Bank.  The clients vary in age, ethnicity, education and medication ;-) There are two programs, Cook and No Cook. To be in the Cook program, proof of address is required. Eligibility in the No Cook program requires a name. The AARP has a program that some of the volunteers participate in and they receive the minimum wage, paid from AARP funds.  Another source of volunteer staff is people doing community service.  Some are high school students who need to complete 65 hours of community service in order fulfill a graduation requirement. Other volunteers are doing court mandated community service. Some are seniors who have retired and want to maintain an active and committed presence in the community. We have a few men from the Victory Outreach house. This is a group home with a religious affiliation and probably provides transitional housing for people in recovery.

I suggest you try to engage yourself in something like this where you live. You must know that I am not a "joiner".  Being a member of something that has a name, a structure, rules, expectations, obligations,  is not for me.  I can't remember my motivation for volunteering at the food bank.  I can't say that I'm doing anything that makes a difference to someone's life. If I were to stop volunteering, the work of the food bank would continue without a hitch. So what is happening when I put myself in the service of others?


From Wikipedia:
MDMA (ecstasy) may increase feelings of love, empathy and connection to others by stimulating oxytocin activity via activation of serotonin 5-HT1A receptors, if initial studies in animals apply to humans.


And now consider this:
Empathy is related to a variety of prosocial behaviors, but the brain mechanisms producing the experience of empathy have not been fully characterized. This study investigated whether the experience of empathy raises oxytocin levels and affects subsequent generosity toward strangers. Short video clips of an emotional scene and an unemotional scene were used as stimuli. Participants rated the emotions they experienced and then played a $40 ultimatum game to gauge their generosity. We found that empathy was associated with a 47% increase in oxytocin from baseline. We also found the empathy2013oxytocin response was stronger in women than in men. Higher levels of empathy were also associated with more generous monetary offers toward strangers in the ultimatum game. Our findings provide the first evidence that oxytocin is a physiologic signature for empathy and that empathy mediates generosity.


Compassion and empathy can get you high!  When I first read about this I created a little experiment for myself. I decided that the next few times I saw a person with a sign asking for donations, I would donate to them. In addition to that, when approached in a parking lot by someone needing money for something, I would give them money. Would I feel any different? Would I fell high? Would I feel higher if I gave them a lot of money? If I gave them nothing what would I feel?  How would I feel after not giving?

I found that I felt a lot better for at least fifteen minutes after I was made a donation.  I also found that my thinking was clearer and more creative.  I felt less attached to the many personal problems I had during this time. I also noted that when I was thinking things like, "I'm not giving him any money. He'll just spend it on alcohol," I felt small and ugly.  One great thing about this little experiment is that anyone can do it and see for themselves what emotions surface.  Personally, Ive had enough of felling small and ugly for one lifetime, especially when considering how simple it is to leave those feelings behind, if only for a few minutes.

Remember that some of my fellow volunteers are doing court mandated community service? It's not unusual for them to continue on after their service has been completed. We use community service as a punishment? What a mixed up world we have created for ourselves.  That is a subject for another day.

Imagine what a harmonious world it could be if every single person, both young and old, shared a little of what he is good at doing. ~ Quincy Jones

An essential part of a happy, healthy life is being of service to others. ~ Sue Pattom Thoele

You will rise by lifting others. ~ Robert Green Ingersoll

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. ~ Muhammad Ali

Everybody can be great. /Because anybody can serve../ You only need a heart full of grace./ A soul generated by love. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

When you least feel like it, do something for someone else. You forget about your own situation. It gives you a purpose, as opposed being sorrowful and lonely. ~ Dana Reeve, Parade, 5/5/2005

To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. ~ Douglas Adams

When you help someone up a hill, you find yourself closer to the top. ~ Brownie Wise

Coded Conversations

We talk in code. Coded conversations function as a socially acceptable way to say things that, were they spoken about openly, we normally wouldn't say.  They are used to express opinions and to build consensus.

Unconscious coded messages are more likely to emerge when there are conflicts of interest or where open plain speech is disadvantageous. Coded messages also often appear out of context.

Imagine a group of five people have agreed to meet at a specific time and place in order to complete a task that requires five people.   One person is 10 minutes late.  Another person is not present 20 minutes after the agreed upon time.
Now, imagine the conversations.  One of the three people who were on time begins telling a story about a famous athlete who was chronically late for practice and how they deserved the fines and suspension they received.  Another of the three who are present starts complaining that her sister always made her late for school.  No one is saying anything about the two absentees but it is obvious to an outside observer what is being discussed. They are trying to build a consensus about how they feel and what they should do about their missing colleagues.

Once one becomes conscious of these types of coded conversations, it is rare to get through the day without hearing or participating in one. When involved in a conversation, pay particular attention when the conversation takes an unexpected turn.  Someone is about to reveal something and they most likely aren't aware of it.  This is the best kind of truth. Accidental.

PRINCIPLES OF NEW FLASH THERAPY

1.  INFANTS AND PREVERBAL CHILDREN PERCEIVE THE ATTITUDES OF THEIR CAREGIVERS AND DEVELOP COPING BEHAVIORS IN AN ATTEMPT TO REDUCE STRESS / INCREASE SATISFACTION (RS/IS).
2. THESE RS/IS BEHAVIORS  ARE THE ANCHOR POINTS OF PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT.
3. THE SUCCESS OF THESE BEHAVIORS RESULT IN THE ANCHOR POINTS  BECOMING SOFT WIRED INTO THE PERSONALITY.  AS THIS HAPPENS WE LOSE THE ABILITY TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN RS/IS as ANCHOR POINTS AND THE LARGER AND ABSOLUTE REALITY WE EXIST IN.  IN THE CLIMBING ANALOGY OUR RS/IS BEHAVIORS ARE THE ANCHOR POINTS THAT ARE SECURED TO THE ABSOLUTE REALITY OF THE MOUNTAIN TOP.
4. PERSONALITY IS SOFT WIRED AND HIGHLY RESISTANT TO CHANGE. ANCHOR POINTS CAN THEN BE UNDERSTOOD AND EVALUATED FOR THE PURPOSE THEY SERVED AT AN EARLIER TIME. THEY CAN BE REMOVED OR REPURPOSED.
5. PERSONALITY IS REINFORCED BY SHARED PERCEPTIONS AND OUR CONTINUED RELIANCE ON OUR EXPRESSION AND EXPERIENCE OF OUR ANCHOR POINTS. THIS BECOMES OUR NARRATIVE.
6. ANCHOR POINTS, ALTHOUGH INFLUENCED BY RS/IS,  ARE NOT EXCLUSIVELY DETERMINED BY RS/IS.

Action Plan - Simplified

Your experience of the world reflects how you presently engage in it.

Think of love having a center rather than boundaries.

Love without personal or relationship boundaries allows you to give up worrying about whether the relationship you're presently in is real love or real enough love.

It then becomes possible to give up seeing love as something external. Love is no longer something to give or get. Love is no longer something to have or lose. Love is something internal and essential to your nature. Your behavior determines how close or far you are from the love inside you.

or something . . .  ;-)

Hungry America

By The Numbers:
1 in 6 Americans is at risk of hunger.
1 in 7 Americans receives food stamps.
1 in 8 Americans receives food from Feeding America.
Between 2006 and 2010, Feeding America saw a 46 percent increase in the number of people seeking food assistance.
In 2010, Feeding America fed about 37 million Americans.
In 2006, Feeding America distributed about 2 billion pounds of food and groceries. By 2010, this had increased to more than 3 billion pounds.
Feeding America rescues more than 400 million pounds of food from grocery store shelves, as the food approaches its sell-by date.
Feeding America distributes more than 500 million pounds of fresh produce annually.
The USDA donates about 25 percent of the food Feeding America distributes.
The agricultural industry, food companies and grocery wholesalers and retailers donate the vast majority of food Feeding America distributes.

Busy At The Food Bank